I do not feel alive.

How strange those words sound to me. I have not blogged really in forever. So i guess i have some catching up to do. School is going ok. I am a lot more out going this year. I like that. I like this new me. But right now somthing is wrong. Can i blog about it? I mean it is my blog....  My heart is broken. Blended more like it. It all hurts me so much. Can't you see? I thought you and i were best friends but now i see you do not care. You threw it all away. It hurts to write this to you. But will you read it? I don't think so. I miss you.

You are everything to me. I hope you know that. I am not just saying that. I do not know what i would do with out you. Oh how i wish i could tell you things. sit you down and just...talk. i could post them here but you would guess. It hurts me so much. I hate it. I hate this pain. I hate that i do this to myself. I hate that i am crying now. Please. Help me.

Can i reallly do this? I do not think i can. kaitie stop it. you are scareing them.

My heart is tight. I feel sick. ANd now i am crying  even harder.

why can't it work? i really want to know. i want the pain to stop.  i can not take it anymore.
please heart. stop.

stop the emtions. stop the pain, stop taunting me. i know it wasnt. but it hurts. more then i can take. i hear the words and it just about kills me.

im reaching my breaking point.

im okay im okay.

thats a lie kaitie

you see right throught me

why won't you talk to me and why did you block me out? i have not done anything

why do you say those things to me?

why did you make that list?

why do guys see me like that?

or why am i always

one of the guys,

the best friend

or the sister?

and why is it laughable, when i think about being more then?

so much has been going on in my life.

my heart hurts.

a lot.

" so kill yourself"

"never. i am a figher"

"kaitie remember that pact we made to kill each other?"

"yea"

"i still want you to"

"i cant do that to you. i can not take your life. i love you. i love you so much. God loves you. I can swear on the bible he loves you!"

" why has this 'god' changed  you"

" b.c his love saved me"

"can it save me?"

"yes! i have told you that!"

....then she took God in to her life and talked to her mom.

but.

what if we kept our pact?

would the kaitie you know and love today, be gone?

cold. dead.

lifeless.

shed never graduate high school

college

go to those missions trips

adopt a child

watch her friends grow old  get married and have kids.

i would have missed it.

i came so close to it.

that cold day not to long ago.

i was hoping shed do me first, i knew i could never kill her.

i just wanted to be dead,

the scars on my body remind me of the pain.

the lies.

the loss of hope.

then......

reborn in Jesus Christ.

so tonight i was told,

you are the kind of girl meant to me alone.

gee.

thanks.

so i guess what i am saying is.

i am done.

Jesus take me away,

cover me with you love, your mercy, your grace.

let me know that i am loved.

i am SAVED,

and i am never alone, never alone..........

they say when you run out of words

let the music do the talking.

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

[Chorus]

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

sometimes i feel like God left.

but now i know.

he is here.

forever.

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
We'd promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

Tell her we love her
Tell her she's wanted
One more thing God
Tell her please come home
Please come home

The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how this story ends

[spoken:]
While the son was still a long way off
His father saw him, and felt compassion for him
and ran and embraced him and kissed him
"Let us celebrate for this child of mine was dead
and he has come back to life,
He was lost and now he is found"
and they began to celebrate
[Luke 15:20 and 24]

I sometimes feel the need to run.

but what i am running from is never worth what i am leaving behind.

i love you guys. you give me hope.

I can't believe that I"m here in this place again
How did I manage to mess up one more time?
This pattern seems to be the story of my life
Should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time

'Cause I promise myself I wouldn't fall
But here I've fallen
I guess I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to You

Oh God You have to save me
You're my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me
I can't seem to make it on my own

I always thought that I would be strong enough
What made all of them fall couldn't take me down
Yeah, did I think that I was above it all
I have learned that pride comes before the fall

I can't promise that I won't fall
'Cause here I've fallen
I know I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do is cry to You

i can't promise you guys i won't fail.

but what i can promise is

i will tell you before i fall.

so you can catch me

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me

I got a list with ABC order of reasons not to date me (see myspace)

most of b.c of my look.

but all i want to know is

who's standards?

the worlds?

if so.

who set them?

God made me perfect.

i am beautiful to an all powerful, all mighty God. What makes you think i care what you think?

I am the comfortable secureThe definition of this western worldAnd I have perfected deceitEven I believe I'm above savingI'll never let You seeI am the brokenI am the bruised I am the poor onesI have been used.When I am breathing my last breath"Come and save me" I will cry to You'Cause pride has not let me sayBring me to my knees, Why does it take so much pain for me to see?If strength is only fond when I am on my knees,Why is it so hard t o show that I am weak?I am the broken I am the bruisedI am the poor onesI have been used

Pushing my way through these crowded streetsTrying not to be swept awayFighting just to keep this crowd from hiding you another daySo maybe, this time I'll find youMaybe, this time I'll push throughTo see you today, today(Chorus:)Won't you take me away, Won't you take me away Cuz I need some time to get away, Where only you could ever...Take me away,away,awayAwayToo many days I've been distractedWatch these crowds push you awayI'm so tired of feeling emptyWithout you, I waste these daysSo maybe, this time I'll find youJust don't stop calling me to youI'll find my way today(Chorus)Maybe this time I'll find you yeahFind you today, today(Chorus)

Once again I said my goodbyesTo those who I love mostMy heart feels that familiar painAs I long for home'Cause this road is hardWhen I feel so farGod I'm crying out tonight'Cause I've given You my lifeBut I'm tired and I'm missing what's behindSo once more here's my lifeOn the day that You called my name All that I knew changedI found when I said yes that Id never be the sameThough the call is hard You are worth it allGod I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my lifeBut I'm tired and I'm missing what's behindSo once moreEven when the tears are fallingWhen I find I fear the callingYou remind meWords You've spoken over my lifePromises I've yet to seeYou comfort meGod I'm crying out tonight'Cause I've given You my lifeBut I'm tired and I'm missing what's behindSo once more, here's my life

How long will my prayers seem unanswered? Is there still faith in me to reach the end?I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faithBut giving up would cost me everythingSo I'll stand in the pain and silenceAnd I'll speak to the dark nightI believe in the sun even when it's not shiningI believe in love even when I don't feel it And I believe in God even when He is silentAnd I, I believeThough I can't see my storms endingThat doesn't mean the dark night has no endIt's only here that I find faithAnd learn to trust the one who writes my daysSo I'll stand in the pain and silenceAnd I'll speak to the dark night I believe in the sun even when it's not shiningI believe in love even when I don't feel itAnd I believe in God even when He is silentAnd I, I believe No dark can consume Light No death greater than this lifeWe are not forgottenHope is found when we sayEven when He is silent I believe in the sun even when it's not shiningI believe in love even when I don't feel itAnd I believe in God even when He is silentAnd I, I Believe In Love

i am leaveing in 25 mins.

=D

be back friday!

cell is goodish.